Your partner can't read your mind. If you want it slower, harder, or completely different, you have to say so. The good news is that one clear, kind sentence can change your whole sex life.
- How hard is it
- Nerve racking, then easy
- Best for
- Every couple
- Takes
- One conversation
- Even better with
- A calm moment
01Why it's worth it
People who talk about sex have better sex. Asking isn't criticism. It's giving your partner a way to make you feel amazing, and most partners are relieved to be told.
02How to bring it up
-
1
Pick your moment
Talk somewhere relaxed and private, away from the bedroom.
-
2
Start with what you love
"I love it when you kiss my neck."
-
3
Add one request
"I'd love it if you went slower at the start."
-
4
Ask them too
"What would you like more of?"
03Words that help
- "I love it when you..."
- "Can we try..."
- "It feels amazing when..."
- "Show me how you like it."
- "I've been thinking about..."
04Say it during sex
-
One word
"Slower." "Harder." "There."
-
Show them
Move their hand where you want it.
-
Praise
"Yes, just like that."
For more on speaking up in the moment, read how to talk dirty.
05Sharing a fantasy
Bring it up as an idea, not a demand. Say what appeals to you about it and ask what they think. If they say no, accept it. If they say yes, start with the mildest version. Ideas like roleplay are an easy place to begin.
Where to go next
Trusted sources
